Stats for Poets
Is there a doctor in the house? What is it called when a sinus cold turns into a curious disorder where you feel like lying in bed all day with a headache and muscle aches? When your throat hurts almost continuously? If I was in college, I think people would say I had Mono. As a closet hypochondriac, I would almost agree. However, as a closet hypochondriac, I've looked up the symptoms and definitely don't have mono. So I guess I just feel like crap. This is very bad, because this is not the right time to be sick. This is a very bad time to be sick.
Why? Let's run the numbers:
Days out of the past three weeks I've been sick: 18
What I did on the three days I did not feel continuously sick: 1) take a final, 2) attend commencement, 3) go to the beach.
Times of the day I do not feel bad: 9:00-11:00 am, 1:00-4:00 pm, 7:00 pm-3:00 am.
I'm out the rest of the time. And so those are my windows to work. Thank goodness I dont' have a real job.
Date I turn in the last paper: May 28.
Date I move: May 29.
Date I go out of town again for a constitutionalism conference that I still need to prepare for but haven't yet because of other work: June 8.
Date I come back to even more work and the mess I leave behind: June 18.
Date I go out of town again to visit parents: June 28-July 12.
Number of days I actually enjoy living in my new apartment in the month of June: 18.
Number of those days that will actually not be enjoyable because of the horror of unpacking and figuring out the Ikea pictograms: 5.
Net days of enjoyment: 13.
Amount I am paying for those 13 days of enjoyment: $955, excluding electricity and gas.
Amount I'm paying now for non-enjoyment of tiny graduate studio: $950, excluding electricity and gas.
Number that I'm actually still on semi-friendly terms with: 2.
Likelihood that I run into them in awkward moments that create the wrong impression: 100%.
Number of times French Dandy Dude and I would run into Friendly Chica at the oddest hours of the day and night when he was my de facto roomate (and nothing more): 6 times per week.
Number of times I've run into her since he's left a month ago: 1.
Number of days I actually went to campus in the last 3 weeks: 4.
Number of people avoided by working entirely out of apartment and not attending any school or social events: Unknown, don't know current statistics of the entire law school student body.
Depth of the ass-shaped groove in my Ikea Lyksele Lovas sofa chair: 1.5".
Percentage that I'll miss the dorm like atmosphere of living in grad housing: 0%.
Positivity Index of The Roomate: 200%
Percentage in Common: 0%.
Likelihood that The Roomate will buy Dance Dance Revolution + Karaoke on Sony Playstation: 100%.
Likelihood that we'll disturb our landlord with loud sing-a-long to Mariah Carey's Greatest Hits: 100%
Likelihood that Happy Hip Hop Bioengineer will get along with Cynical Indie Lawyer: 100%.
Number of emails I send a day in moments of lucidity so that I can reduce my work efficiency even further: at least 5.
Number I will send out tomorrow: I can't promise, but I'm shooting for only 2.
Seconds before I crash right now: 5, 4, 3, 2, ....