Stats for Poets

Is there a doctor in the house? What is it called when a sinus cold turns into a curious disorder where you feel like lying in bed all day with a headache and muscle aches? When your throat hurts almost continuously? If I was in college, I think people would say I had Mono. As a closet hypochondriac, I would almost agree. However, as a closet hypochondriac, I've looked up the symptoms and definitely don't have mono. So I guess I just feel like crap. This is very bad, because this is not the right time to be sick. This is a very bad time to be sick.

Why? Let's run the numbers:

Days out of the past three weeks I've been sick: 18

What I did on the three days I did not feel continuously sick: 1) take a final, 2) attend commencement, 3) go to the beach.

Times of the day I do not feel bad: 9:00-11:00 am, 1:00-4:00 pm, 7:00 pm-3:00 am.

I'm out the rest of the time. And so those are my windows to work. Thank goodness I dont' have a real job.

Date I turn in the last paper: May 28.

Date I move: May 29.

Date I go out of town again for a constitutionalism conference that I still need to prepare for but haven't yet because of other work: June 8.

Date I come back to even more work and the mess I leave behind: June 18.

Date I go out of town again to visit parents: June 28-July 12.

Number of days I actually enjoy living in my new apartment in the month of June: 18.

Number of those days that will actually not be enjoyable because of the horror of unpacking and figuring out the Ikea pictograms: 5.

Net days of enjoyment: 13.

Amount I am paying for those 13 days of enjoyment: $955, excluding electricity and gas.

Amount I'm paying now for non-enjoyment of tiny graduate studio: $950, excluding electricity and gas.

Square footage of current tiny graduate studio owned an operated by Liberal College: 300.

Square footage of new apartment in nicer, less-dangerous neighborhood in a renovated Queen Anne house: 900-1000.

Distance between, in miles: 2.

Likelihood of a dish breaking in the course of those 2 miles: 100%.

Square footage of the crap load of stuff to Uhaul: don't want to think about it.

Amount packed: none.

Number of neighbors I had in my grad program: 4.

Number that I'm actually still on semi-friendly terms with: 2.

Likelihood that I run into them in awkward moments that create the wrong impression: 100%.

Number of times French Dandy Dude and I would run into Friendly Chica at the oddest hours of the day and night when he was my de facto roomate (and nothing more): 6 times per week.

Number of times I've run into her since he's left a month ago: 1.

Number of days I actually went to campus in the last 3 weeks: 4.

Number of people avoided by working entirely out of apartment and not attending any school or social events: Unknown, don't know current statistics of the entire law school student body.

Depth of the ass-shaped groove in my Ikea Lyksele Lovas sofa chair: 1.5".

Percentage that I'll miss the dorm like atmosphere of living in grad housing: 0%.

Belief that the hassle of moving and extra $5/month is completely worth it: 100%.

Number of classmates I've said/will say goodbye to: 4.

Number of classmates returning to the SJD program that I am friends with: 1.

Number of classmates I had irrevocable falling outs with: 2.

Regrets: 0.

Positivity Index of The Roomate: 200%

Percentage in Common: 0%.

Likelihood that The Roomate will buy Dance Dance Revolution + Karaoke on Sony Playstation: 100%.

Likelihood that we'll disturb our landlord with loud sing-a-long to Mariah Carey's Greatest Hits: 100%

Likelihood that Happy Hip Hop Bioengineer will get along with Cynical Indie Lawyer: 100%.

Number of emails I send a day in moments of lucidity so that I can reduce my work efficiency even further: at least 5.

Number I will send out tomorrow: I can't promise, but I'm shooting for only 2.

Seconds before I crash right now: 5, 4, 3, 2, ....

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