Saturday, February 23, 2008

No, I Don't Want To Talk About It, So Please Don't Ask

Decision: I am not going to transfer and switch to an interdisciplinary Ph.D program.

I am going to stay in my SJD program and write articles and try to get them published before I go on the market with my dissertation in 2009 or 2010, or go for a VAP/fellowship.

I am making this decision myself--it has not been made for me. It was not a matter of rejection; it was a matter of deciding what I wanted to do for the next few years and what kind of career I want after I finish, and what program would best allow me to achieve that.

I have made this decision after weeks of soul-searching, asking myself seriously where I want to be and how I want to get there and why I want to do it. I have questioned my motivations, in an actually honest way that admits to all of my fears and insecurities about life-avoidance. I have also consulted with a more advanced student in the program who is in my similar position, and knows very definitely the opportunity costs and further investment of time that would come with switching. They are not costs and investments I'm willing to make, especially considering all that I have invested in my current path. That my friend-advisor knows so well my situation and has my best interests at heart makes me trust her advice and really believe that what I have decided to do is best--for me. I have also talked extensively with trusted advisors, who are on faculty hiring committees, and am reassured that my decision is not totally wrong and devasting to my career. In fact, I am probably in the same position in either program, and it is not a bad position.

In other words, I have re-made the decision I made a couple of years ago, and am learning to live with it, and have been reassured that it's the best decision I could have made at the time and not a terrible decision--and I am learning to live with this decision. At the end of the day, I have to live with any decision I make, but occasionally I need permission to be OK with the decision and reassurance that it was not so terrible. I have sought advice and received such reassurance and permission to be. I am sort of at peace with myself for the first time in a few years.

So please, please don't ask me about this. Don't question my decision. Don't ask, "are you sure?" Dont try to change my mind. Don't tell me that I am wrong. Don't tell me what to do. Don't be mad that I didn't consult you or talk to you about it. Don't bring this up if I don't bring it up. I don't want to talk to you about it.

I am disabling comments. That's how much I don't want to talk about it. And why I waited until Saturday to blog this, when my readership is halved.